The last couple of days have been hard for me. I find it is so easy to get down on myself because I know I can be more - not just that I want to be, but I can and I just have to do it. There is a fine line though when it comes to knowing your strengths and accepting your weaknesses and not letting either become a burden. I can be a very patient person and it is a strength - however, I haven't been utilizing that strength as much because I have fallen into a habit of crabbiness and frankly I've just become lazy.
So my quandry is how to overcome the laziness and yet not run faster than I am able. I'm a single mom right now for all intents and purposes and there are days when I am just exhausted! How can I be a good mom to my kids? I think we have all reached a peak in our emotions with Zane being gone so much. Really, I think my problem is how to deal with my own issues of being alone while trying to reassure and help my children feel the extra love and attention they NEED right now. I feel so guilty because they are hanging on my skirts (literally) whining and needing to be extra close, and all I want is to have some personal space!
This post is not for sympathy - I really don't want it. I just needed to vent for a minute and throw the question out there - what can I do? How can I be a better mom to my kids when they need it the most and I feel like I have nothing to give? I feel like I am at the point where even though I am praying, I am so drained and can't turn off my head long enough to hear the answer.
And I really need to say thanks to those who are helping me - I don't know what I would do without it!
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6 comments:
You are so honest I love it Mary. I think the first thing you have to do is accept the fact that you are not a perfect mom- no mom is (despite those who think so). And frankly if we were life would be mundane.
Are you a planner? I am to an extent. not a daily- this is what I am going to do, but I have what I call my reserve activity list. Every Sunday I make a list of things I'd like to do that week with the kids. Fun activities, games, reading stories, making cookies, projects- anything! That list goes on my fridge. And then when I reach those moments in the day when the kids just seem out of control I make myself stop whatever I am doing- (most things can wait an hour) and I go to my list and pick something to do. It gives the kids a much needed break and gives them time to be in my focus. After that they seem to settle down( even if for just a few hours). And those few hours are all I need to recoupe. I do not plan daily activities because everyday is different and kids have good days and bad days! Anyways- it works for me and it works for my kids :) And after all the kids are in bed- don't worry about cleaning and laundry. Take a hot bubble bath and read a good book. RELAX and BREATHE.
I agree with having a plan that gets you out of the house, the park, the pool - whatever.
I also think you should hire a babysitter on a regular basis and get out by yourself. Taking time for you will make you a better mother. If we lived close to each other, I would offer to watch your little ones.
Thanks girls! I actually do have a fantastic baby-sitter who I get to use about once a week. Is it bad that sometimes I feel like I want her to come every day? :)
Hollie - the list is a fantastic idea! Thanks so much for the suggestion. I think that will really help.
Well...if you need some space you are welcome to borrow my spaceship. I'm sure Rylee won't mind ;) hahaha...that makes me sound like a crazy person! But seriously call me when you want to get out and play. I saw that playground you mentioned one time and it is awesome! The Dell girls would love to invade and conquer so lets do a picnic.
The simple fact that you wrote this post and the questions you are asking yourself proves what a good mother you really are.
Oh Mary. . . I have to admit I am grateful to hear such honesty. I was telling Grant and your husband how AMAZING I think you are doin this summer by yourself, that it would be more than I could handle. They both agreed with your 'amazingness' but I have often wondered if you really are superwoman or if you were just seemingly pulling it off so gracefully.
I definitely want to say that this post makes you all the more amazing and graceful to me. You are a GREAT mom. I am so glad you have a babysitter. Are you still watching other people's kids?? I would x that asap. I find having something to really look forward to helps. Something each week that is special and gets you out of the house. Have someone watch your boys and do something with just Abby and then just Calob. I know you have some favors you could pull from people to help watch your kids. The individual time would really fill their love tanks so to speak and give you a break at the same time. We both know 1 kid is no big deal right?? Hang in there and call me whenever to vent more :)
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