In general I try to write uplifting and positive posts. I don't think it's healthy to dwell on the negative and you should make the positive out of whatever situation you may find yourself in. Sometimes though, in the muck of things, I think it's okay to acknowledge the presence of those negative thoughts. We are human, and human emotions range from the very high to the very low - it is how you deal and dwell with them that makes the difference.
So I should acknowledge that today has been a hard day. I'm acknowledging the stress of being alone. I'm acknowledging that I have not been a very attentive mother. I'm acknowledging that I am nearing pure exhaustion both emotionally and physically and I am also acknowledging that the majority of my feelings are stemming from that wonderful thing we term PMS.
I just want to go in my room, curl up in a ball, and have a good long cry and sleep for 48 hours straight. I am tired of being upbeat and positive. I am tired of treating my husband like he is on a mission and only concentrating on the positive and helpful conversations. This whole thing stinks. I am frustrated and over this. I want to be angry with my husband. I want to say tough luck dude - I don't care if it's hard on you to talk on the phone (I try not to call him too much because it makes it harder for him to be away). I don't care if you have a monstrous test you need to study for - can you not spare me a few minutes when I am so close to breaking down?? What about me?? Can't I be selfish too? WHY AREN'T YOU READING MY MIND and seeing through my positive facade!?! Can't you tell that I just want to scream?!? I am sure there are a few of you smiling at this. Wouldn't life be so much easier if husbands could read our thoughts and not hear our words? :) lol.
I want my husband home. Friends are so helpful and I am so grateful, but that help only goes so far. Really all that it boils down to is I am TIRED and I am missing my other half. The one I don't feel indebted to for taking care of the kids, or doing the dishes, or listening to me talk. The one who can simply lighten my load just by opening his arms and giving me his shoulder to rest my head on. I posted a quote a while ago about the Lord shaping the back to bear the burden placed upon it. It doesn't mean that the burden is any lighter, or that it doesn't feel impossible sometimes.
I am so blessed. My husband is alive, he'll be home in 2 months. Two years ago today, a good woman lost her husband in Iraq, so who am I to whine about 5 measly months?? I have 4 beautiful kids to keep me busy. I have a dear friend facing the probable loss of her newborn child so who am I to cry?? But I am sad, I am incredibly drained, and I am completely aware that while my situation is better than some, it is still okay for me to acknowledge my weakness and sadness and to maybe even shed a few tears. So please forgive me for my rant - and don't worry. I only post this to remember that while life is good, I do have a bad day now and then. And it's okay.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
Hang in there Mary. I'm glad you are able to recognize the good in it but I know its hard and frustrating and overwhelming. I hope that the next two months fly by and that things look up and get easier.
You get the gold medal Mary. I don't know how you moms do it for that long without your husband. I can't even imagine it. I definitely feel the SERIOUS pain when Scott is a few hours late from work. And not because I miss him, but because I could really use the extra set of hands at bedtime. But I guess in reality it is because I do need that second adult to balance out the household and to have some adult conversation. The emotional and mental drain is much more than the physical one. I always wonder how the women in the scriptures did it with so many children at home and their husbands away doing the hunting and the manly stuff. I get mad when Scott doesn't pitch in "enough" around the house and I wonder, did Nephi help with the dishes? probably not, but I still expect my husband too! :) You should call up some YW to babysit, and have yourself a girls night out.
I hear you, Mary, even though our challenges are different. Sleep is the best medicine and but often the one thing that is out of our reach during the tough moments during the day and night. Here's a great poem that a cousin shared a few years ago:
I dim,
I dim,
I have no doubt
If someone blew
I would go out.
I did not.
I must be brighter
Than I thought!
- Carol Lynn Pearson -
Thanks guys!
Des - you are super woman to me! Life is so much easier when you have older kids that can help. Two babies with Zane gone would be unfathomable!
Brittany I love that poem. :) I need to type it up and print it out for the fridge and put it beside my quote that says: "cleaning the house while the kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."
i feel you on this one. thank you for being so open about it. it really does remind me that i'm not alone in this motherhood mess.
and i know what you mean about all the help in the world not making up for your other half! i swear, they just have a calming factor or something amazing like that.
you are amazing.
Post a Comment