Family planning can be a hot topic - it's an extremely personal, moral, and private choice. I believe it is a decision that should be made between a husband, wife, and God. Zane and I have been incredibly blessed with fertility. We never had to try to get pregnant. We had to try to NOT get pregnant. Hormonal birth control was not an option for my body - it made me crazy and sick. Even a small amount of hormones could throw me out of whack. After this last pregnancy I realized my body just couldn't handle anymore. 5 pregnancies in 8 years took its toll both physically and mentally. So Zane and I decided we needed to do something permanent to prevent any more pregnancies. Zane had his appointment scheduled and was all ready to go when I just felt SO wrong about it! I just kept thinking, "what if something happens to me and he remarries? That's just not fair to deny his next wife the opportunity to have children." So I freaked out, he cancelled, and I scheduled my appt to get my tubes tied. I figured even if something happened to Zane, even if I did remarry, it still wouldn't change the fact that my body couldn't easily handle being pregnant again - let alone my mental state. So last June I went in and had my tubes tied and the doctor convinced me that I should go ahead and have an ablation at the same time. I felt apprehensive about that part of the procedure, but decided to ignore it and get it over with (worst decision ever).
Even though I felt like it was ok to be done with kids, I still grieved at the loss. I regretted it. I was angry and blamed Zane. I felt like I didn't know what purpose I had anymore. It was awful. I worried I had made the wrong choice. Then time went on and I saw the light at the end of the tunnel and came to peace with my decision. Fast forward a few months: starting in November I started to feel pretty yucky, by December I thought maybe I had mono and was having a lot pain in my lower abdomen/back. January hit and I had Zane take me to the hospital one day because I was in so much pain throughout my abdomen and I knew it couldn't be my appendix since that was taken out already. After a barrage of tests and being doped up on pain pills (and having to immediately wean Leah because of all the meds and radiation) they narrowed down what was going on. 1) I had a tear in my intestinal lining, 2) My pancreatic enzymes levels were over 4,000 (high normal is about 130) and I had an awesome case of pancreatitis, and 3) I needed to have a hysterectomy. When I was talking to the surgeon it was SO hard not to be angry. The gynecologist I had seen for my tubal had recommended the ablation as a preventative measure to not have a hysterectomy and now I was finding out that because I shouldn't have ever been a candidate for the ablation - I had to have one. The position of my uterus made it so the scar tissue didn't go as deep as it needed to, and therefore I was bleeding behind the scarring and there wasn't anywhere for it to go, thus all the pain in the lower back.
So I scheduled the surgery for the end of March. Whoa - talk about painful. When they say you'll be down for 6-8 weeks, that is no joke! There were many days of complete tears of frustration. I remember at one point, my blood pressure was extremely low (There were complications with the surgery and I had lost an incredible amount of blood) so I had to make sure I was hydrating. But my pancreatitis flared up and the only thing you can do is to stop eating and drinking until it goes away. I had to eat something because of the pain pills, I had to drink because of the blood pressure, and yet I was in so much pain because of the pancreatitis I couldn't and I had spent so much time in the hospital already I refused to go back. So I just cried. It was pretty pathetic. And my mom and Zane were rockstars! Zane was able to take off so much work (yay for military emergency leave) and my mom? Seriously, my mom took care of my kids for 2 weeks in January, took the two babies back with her for another 2 weeks, came back in March for another 3 weeks - she's earned her spot in Heaven for sure!
Time has passed, scars have healed, and it's so nice not to be in constant pain. My hormones have leveled out and I feel a new lease on life! I didn't realize how much pregnancy and nursing messed with my head! There have been highs and lows. I got sad the other day looking at Leah - she's 18 months and I felt a loss at the knowledge that I will never again have another baby. On the other hand, Leah got into a supply of monthly things and spread them all over the bathroom floor and when I looked at them, I did a little happy dance knowing I'd never have to use them or worry about that ever again! :) As for the regret - it's passed, and I feel a relief in knowing I can concentrate on the 5 blessings I've been given and truly be a MOM. I have been operating on half cylinders for so long I forgot what it was like to be able to really be engaged in my kids.
I think that is definitely something you have to consider in family planning. It's not about financially supporting the kids - with the exception of if you have the ability to provide the necessities for them (college, sports, clubs, etc I believe should be considered extras). But are you able to mother the children you already have if you add any more? Is it right to not be able to be a mother to your other children if being pregnant is going to force you to be on bedrest the entire pregnancy? Like I said, SUPER personal decision that can only be made between you, your spouse, and God. I feel comfortable with our choice, but it's not for everyone!
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